Nick Clegg by Tony Webb

Well, here I am in the live finals and I’m fortunate, I think, to have David as my mentor. Spending time at his home was nerve-racking
(especially going through that big black door every day!) and I wondered whether I’d done enough to convince him, but here I am!
David’s been really kind and has chosen The Great Pretender for my performance in the first show. I wasn’t too sure, but he thinks it will suit me very well. He’s changed my image quite a lot and says it’s so I appeal more to teenage voters (apparently they want to rip my nuts off or something). Certainly, he seems to know what he wants from me. For my second song, he’s picked Land of Hope and Glory. It’s part of this quite clever plan of his. He says, if I just sing his songs without any fuss, I’ll get a lot more votes and we’ll have the papers on our side too! I was a bit concerned that it might not be fair, but David assures me it is and says that even if it all kicks off in the house, we’ll come out of it smelling of roses.
David says it’s important that I trust him; he told me so in the hallway the other day, whilst clutching a crow bar and a long set of pliers. I think he must have been about to put up some shelves. Vince called me on the phone, to wish me luck, but he seemed rather anxious: “don’t dance to his tune Nick”, he said “don’t dance to his tune!” “Vince” I replied, “you can relax. It isn’t Strictly!”
David’s slightly concerned about my presentation, “if you can just look to the right a little more” he says, “don’t worry about the other side. Just keep looking to the right and the rest of the time straight into the camera. Remember, it’s a big society and you’ve got to make them love you. Imagine them inside the lens of that camera. You know the kind of thing, they’re all in it together?” I said, “shouldn’t that be ‘we’re all in it together?” “Don’t be daft!” he said, “whatever are you thinking of? We’re here and they’re there. Surely it’s not
difficult to grasp!”
I’ve been telling everyone it’s my dream to win and they’ve put it in the trailer that plays before I go onstage. There’s also some footage of me singing into a rolled up manifesto, which is slightly embarrassing. David says not to worry too much about winning anyway; “second isn’t a bad place to be” he says, “look at JLS! They came second and now they’re massive!” I never realised he was
cool, knowing who JLS are like that!
15 minutes later…..
Well, that’s the first performance over and I think it went quite well, although I hadn’t expected to find myself surrounded by clowns! Still,
I’m sure David knows what he’s doing! Louis seemed impressed, anyway. Kelly and Tulisa think I’m going to be a bit of a heart-throb. They reckon the girls will all be putting posters of me on their walls. I said I’d be a bit concerned about that, because I’ve had thirty sexual partners as it is (not too sure about the audience’s reaction when I said that). Aside from David, Gary’s the other judge. I think he’s in that boy band ‘Take the Hat’.
Dermot’s very supportive. He’s sort of a mister speaker type of character, trying to maintain order. He keeps putting his arm round me and calling me mate, although last time he did I felt like he was trying to throw me off the stage! All the same, I’m sure he likes me.
David’s comments were surprising, especially as he’s my mentor. He kept saying he wanted me to be more authentic; “a little more authentic,know what I mean?” That’s what he said and winked at me, like he was Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses! (well, sort of an Etonian version). He said he gets frustrated because I’m almost there, but not quite and that sometimes he’d like to grab hold of my orange tie and swing me around by it. It worries me a bit when he says that sort of thing because it doesn’t always seem as though he’s joking!
Oh well, Hope and Glory in the next round. Can’t wait! if they keep me in, I mean! (forgot about that bit!) Anyway, be liberal with the phonebill, people and vote for Nick!